Not Functional

I had never though that it would be so difficult or require such effort to even sit here and write these words. What began as a sole escape, has also become another thing for me to avoid. These past few months I would often write about my lack of presence on my blog. I would go on to say that I would once again commit myself to writing. To coping with my life. Yet, I am already itching to shut my laptop and to just return to my zombie like existence.

I have begun to hate writing here. It has become almost another thing I need to get done. Another part of me I have been avoiding and refusing to face. In fact, I have also hated that I have lost my anonymity. At first, I thought revealing my face would make me want to write more yet I have realized that it has made me more conscious of what I say. As twisted as it is, we live in a society that holds us responsible for our flaws. And this whole site is me and my flaws.

Flaws such as the fact it’s been over a month since I’ve stopped going to classes and will most likely have to drop this semester. Flaws such as the interviews and jobs offers I have gotten, I have half a mind to reject them. Flaws such as the fact that once again my nights have become days and days have become nights. Flaws such as the fact that I just don’t want this toxic cycle to continue and just want to give up.

All this bullshit of falling seven times to get up the eighth time is important. Yet, all I can see is another tunnel after I finally have begun to see the light after years.

Flaws are what make us who we are. And I know I should stop being hard on myself. Be patient again. But nothing is more frustrating, confusing, and difficult than being non-functional, to not even have the energy to brush my teeth when I don’t have the physical excuse of a disease, ailment, or illness to show others what I am feeling and going through. The worst is knowing that the reason of the problem and the one who can only solve it, are not the doctors with a magical pill…. it’s me. And it’s been 4 years. Yet again I seem to be always returning back to where I started, however just older each time.

**I didn’t have the mind to edit and reread this for grammar. Screw it.

Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash