All posts by John Branyan

Clay Cane’s Astonishing Hypocritical Condemnation of Hypocrisy

Here’s an article written for CNN by some dude named Clay Cane. It seems, from the article, that Cane hasn’t ever in his life encountered Christian orthodoxy. He’s freaking out about Karen Pence (married to Mike Pence, Vice-President of the United States) teaching at a Christian school. Between aneurysms, he writes about the declaration beliefs published by the school.
It identifies “moral misconduct” that would disqualify employees as premarital sex, cohabitation, extramarital sex, homosexual or lesbian sexual activity, polygamy, transgender identity, any other violation of the unique roles of male and female.”

He takes a pull from his oxygen mask to stave off hyperventilation and writes:
This language is disgusting and insults millions of taxpaying American citizens, many who have served their country. That it is acceptable to the wife of the man who is a heartbeat away from the presidency should horrify and alarm all Americans.
I don’t think we need both words “horrify” and “alarm”. One implies the other but I won’t nit-pick. Cane must lead a pretty dull life. Standard Christian doctrine doesn’t “horrify” anyone who lives outside a tiny bubble of self-righteous introspection. In fact, most people admit “moral misconduct” is an actual thing that happens sometimes. We just disagree about the specifics. Cane isn’t cool with, ” ‘marriage’ has only one meaning; the uniting of one man and one woman in a single, exclusive covenant union as delineated in Scripture.” But Mike and Karen Pence have an even MORE extreme view of marriage. Mike and Karen Pence believe marriage is the uniting of Mike and Karen Pence exclusively! Mike Pence considers it morally incorrect to even EAT with other women when his wife isn’t present. HORRIFYING!!! How insulting to taxpaying Americans! I’m happy to help educate Clay Cane on one of the reasons Americans pay taxes. Freedom! We have freedom to be hypocrites! We have freedom to live by the moral standards of our choosing. We are free to tell pompous, grandstanding journalists to take their outrage – and shove it. You’re free, Clay Cane! You’re free to promote adultery, promiscuity, homosexuality, bestiality and any other perversion you fancy! You’re free to reject every moral teaching from every religion everywhere! You can speak on the joy of unfettered hedonism until your life essence dissipates into oblivion. But wagging your finger at Karen Pence makes you a hypocrite. And that should alarm and horrify you.

Billionaire Nitwit Can’t Buy Happiness

You ever wondered what it would be like to have a billion dollars?

Well, Jeff Bezos has many billions of dollars and he’s telling you what it’s like!

Here’s his statement:

“We want to make people aware of a development in our lives. As our family and close friends know, after a long period of loving exploration and trial separation, we have decided to divorce and continue our shared lives as friends,” Bezos declared. “We feel incredibly lucky to have found each other and deeply grateful for every one of the years we have been married to each other. If we had known we would separate after 25 years, we would do it all again.”

Jeff Bezos – Billionaire Nitwit

According to Bezos, billions of dollars won’t keep you from discontentment and unhappiness.

This is helpful information from the richest man in the world.

If you’ve ever thought, “Gee! If I had Jeff Bezos’ money, I’d be happy for the rest of my life!”…

…you were wrong.

Jeff Bezos actually HAS Jeff Bezos’ money.

And Jeff Bezos, with all Jeff Bezos’ money, still wrote this:

“We’ve had such a great life together as a married couple, and we also see wonderful futures ahead, as parents, friends, partners in ventures and projects, and as individuals pursuing ventures and adventures,” he continued. “Though the labels might be different, we remain a family, and we remain cherished friends.”

Jeff Bezos – Billionaire / Befuddled Human

The poor guy seems to believe that “though the labels might be different”, the family will remain.

“Darling, you’re a dear friend. I love you and the kids more than words can express. Let’s get divorced.”

We can learn a lot from Jeff Bezos.

Selfish people never have enough.

Selfish people are black holes.

They suck in money, prestige, power…

…and people.

Then they get divorced.

That’s why you never see two black holes out on the town together.

Black holes exist in an ever expanding empty space.

They gain the whole world and don’t even know it.

The Black Hole insists it still has a “family” and it still has “cherished friends”.

Black Holes (and selfish people) are deluded fools.

Have you ever experienced a moment of peace and happiness?

How much would you pay for long-term contentment?

You can’t buy happiness will 100 billion dollars.

Not even on Amazon.

My Fellow Americans, You’re Filthy, Filthy, Rich!

To anyone and everyone who has ever said bad things about “The Rich”: You are one of them. Stop talking. You’re making a fool of yourself. Everyone who lives in America is filthy, filthy, filthy (filthy), rich. You have a belly full of food and a large drink in refillable “to go” cup. You can walk into any emergency room and get health care. You have Netflix and X-Box and a couple of pairs of shoes. You even have enough money left over to buy cigarettes and lottery tickets. You bought a tattoo too! You flourish in the blessings of a nation founded on Christian ideals.
And if anyone wants to sue you and take your shirt, hand over your coat as well. If anyone forces you to go one mile, go with them two miles. Give to the one who asks you, and do not turn away from the one who wants to borrow from you.

All rich people should be generous. So STOP talking about “The Rich” exploiting you. STOP talking about how “The Rich” don’t pay their fair share. You ARE THE RICH! Give away your coat. Turn the other cheek. Go another mile. Push pause on your hypocrisy and spend a moment DOING what you’re shouting at Wall Street to do. It’s not the billionaire tycoon’s job to enrich the poor person standing next to you. It’s yours.

Make 2019 “The Year of Satisfied Exclusion”.

This makes me furious!

I’m not allowed to enter a room just because I’m not an employee!

Outrageous!

This hateful, bigoted exclusiveness has got to end.

This is non-employee shaming!

Isn’t there something in the Constitution that says I have the right to go wherever I want?

If not, there should be.

“Employee” is a small, exclusive group.

Standing outside that room makes me feel inferior.

…wait a second…what did I just say?

reads previous statement again

thinks for a moment

I believe I overreacted.

It’s stupid to feel inferior because I’m not an employee.

Exclusion from a group doesn’t make me inferior.

Exclusion is unavoidable.

If I was included in the group of employees, it would exclude me from the non-employee group.

There are many groups from which I am excluded:

  • Women
  • Death row inmates
  • Canadians
  • Jews
  • Billionaires
  • People who like musicals
  • …etc

This year, I’m going to spend zero time whining about exclusiveness.

Which will ensure my inclusion in the group of “people who experience contentment”.

It’s not possible to be included everywhere always.

Learn that lesson and your 2019 is off to a great start.

American Atheists Searching for New Reprobate

The American Atheists recently fired their President.

Now they need a new leader.

The job description is here: (How to Be President of American Atheists)

Odd.

The former President (David Silverman) was fulfilling these responsibilities and they fired him anyway.

How come?

Well, if you read this article from Buzzfeed, you’ll understand.

Silverman got fired for being religious.

The official statement from American Atheists board:

We take our obligation to create safe and welcoming communities for our staff, volunteers, members and supporters very seriously. We have zero tolerance for the type of behavior alleged in these accounts. We will continue to demand the highest standards and accountability from our leaders, staff, and volunteers.

There it is!

The American Atheists are persecuting David Silverman acting against their arbitrary rules of conduct.

These rules didn’t come from some ancient text written by bronze age goat-herders.

These rules came from…uh…someplace else!

These “highest standards” come from a trustworthy and enlightened source that totally isn’t “religion”.

Really!

Swear to Go…I mean…Trust them!  It’s not religion!

But make no mistake, the atheists demand “high standards” and “accountability”.

They are on a mission to spread belief in non-belief.

Immorality impedes them in their progress to irradicate religious morality.

Silverman running around treating women like they are soulless animals is evil.

Er…I mean…if there was such a thing as evil.

So if you know anybody who believes that beliefs are harmful…you should have them apply for this job!

American Atheists are looking for a free-thinking, open-minded individual to lead them in their continuing crusade against open-mindedness.

They are an equal opportunity employer.

When You’re Smarter Than Everybody

It takes vulgar amounts of confidence to claim you’re smarter than everybody else.

Few come out and say it because they know it sounds crass and arrogant.

But because they are crass and arrogant, they cannot help but say it.

So our intellectual betters say it indirectly believing the rest of us are too stupid to interpret the message.

Being smarter than everybody often leads to a lack of belief in God.

This lack of belief is justified by a lack of evidence for God’s existence.

The lack of evidence is caused by the lack of a definition of what qualifies as evidence.

The lack of definition is justified by the lack of interest in spending any time researching fictional beings like Santa, Fairies, and God.

Thomas Aquinas put forth some evidence for God way back in the 13th century.

The First Way: Argument from Motion

  1. Our senses prove that some things are in motion.
  2. Things move when potential motion becomes actual motion.
  3. Only an actual motion can convert a potential motion into an actual motion.
  4. Nothing can be at once in both actuality and potentiality in the same respect (i.e., if both actual and potential, it is actual in one respect and potential in another).
  5. Therefore nothing can move itself.
  6. Therefore each thing in motion is moved by something else.
  7. The sequence of motion cannot extend ad infinitum.
  8. Therefore it is necessary to arrive at a first mover, put in motion by no other; and this everyone understands to be God.
If you’re smarter than everybody then you’re smarter than Thomas Aquinas.

The Argument from Motion has been around for centuries because…

…nobody as smart as The Spartan has taken a serious look at it.

Because I’m not as smart as the Spartan, I can’t see the fallacy in the argument.

It seems to me (and thousands of other people throughout history) to be logically solid.

Clearly, I don’t understand evidence.

Neither did Thomas Aquinas.

Thank God for the lack of evidence for the existence of God!

I can shed the ancient superstitions of logic and put my faith in the ramblings of anonymous bloggers.

Or, I can revisit some writings that predate Aquinas.

The heavens declare the glory of God,
    and the sky above proclaims his handiwork.
Day to day pours out speech,
    and night to night reveals knowledge.
There is no speech, nor are there words,
    whose voice is not heard.
Their voice[b] goes out through all the earth,
    and their words to the end of the world.

…The fool says in his heart, “There is no God”.

The Joy of Homophobia

I don’t usually read articles like this.

I’m apathetic toward the opines of “female political analysts of color who offer a voice that’s often underrepresented on cable news.”

None of the adjectives associated with Joy Reid compel me to pay attention to her “voice”.

  • female
  • of color
  • underrepresented
  • cable news

I’m consistent though.

None of these adjectives compel me to pay attention to someone either:

  • male
  • uncolored
  • overrepresented
  • actual news

The adjective that DID pique my interest was…”Homophobic”.

So I read the article.

Coming from HuffPo, I expected an honest, fair-minded treatise about homophobia.*

Because homophobia, like claustrophobia or acrophobia, is not a condition that a person chooses.

Right?

Massive crowds don’t march on Washington to protest agoraphobia.

So when it came to light that Joy Reid had uttered homophobic statements, I expected the HuffPo to support her point of view.*

After all, her female-person-of-color view is dreadfully underrepresented.

Thus, I was shocked…

…SHOCKED I TELL YOU…

…when the very first line of the article read as follows:

Joy Reid has apologized for writing anti-LGBTQ posts on her old blog…

What?!!

Why?!!???????????????!!!!???????

???????!!!

Why should a female-person-of-color apologize for her often underrepresented voice?

I wish I was a dim-witted SJW so I could give this the proper amount of irrational freaking out.

I expected HuffPo to express tolerance.*

Instead, the article is laced with statements like:

Many of [Joy’s] most vocal supporters online have enthusiastically accepted her apologies, concluding ― and rightly so ― that people should be allowed to re-examine their beliefs over time.

If this stuff mattered to me I would be OUTRAGED!

They are forcing that poor female cable news analyst of color to change her underrepresented views to match…

…mainstream views.

This is America!

We are free to be claustrophic.

We are free to be acrophobic.

And we are free to be homophobic…

…as long as we don’t tell anyone.


*No. I didn’t.

The Problem With Modern Day Preaching

I’ve noticed a trend in evangelical preaching that bugs me.

I can summarize the problem with a hypothetical list of “Sermon Titles”

“Selfishness is Sin”

“Murder is Sin”

“Slander is Sin”

“Stealing is Sin”

“Idolatry is Sin”

“Lying is Sin”

“Greed is Sin”

“Drunkenness is Sin”

“Jealousy is Sin”

“Hatred is Sin”

“God Loves You and We Do Too! Very Much! We’re Not Perfect People Though. Everyone Sins. We Are No Better Than You. It Is Not Our Place to Judge or Condemn You. We Just Want to Love On You. Love Wins. We Apologize For Those Christians Who Have Hurt You.  Don’t Let Them Push You Away From Jesus.  Whatever Your Struggle, You Are Welcome Here. You Belong With Us. We’re All Broken People Doing Our Best. We’ll Get It Wrong Sometimes. Be Patient With Us!  Give Us A Chance! We’re Not Like Those Other Christians! Remember, We’re No Better Than You! Homosexuality is Sin”

 

When NOT To Laugh

It was a disaster!

A week of failure.

Last week, I mean.

I didn’t post a new podcast so my faithful listener was alone to face the hardships of life!

Last week, I mean.

This week, the podcast is posted.

A shining beacon of truth and positivity that features:

  • Intelligent conversation
  • Poor quality audio
  • Random background noises
  • Regular interruptions from children
  • Talking with our mouths full

AND…a discussion about the appropriateness of laughter.

Is it okay to laugh at people when you’re having a disagreement?

What if your laughter upsets people who you love?

We’ll talk about this (with our mouths full) and this episode of the Comedy Sojourn Podcast.

Love and Boogers

The baby’s name is Marceline.

She’s the fifth grandchild to be added to my family.

She’s got a problem with one of her lungs and that’s why there’s a tube in her nose.

We’re expecting she’ll be good to go home in a couple of days.

I’m a bit of a freak around babies.

When my own kids were newborn, I hovered over them with the bulb syringe.

When the baby squirmed, I’d jam the syringe into her nostrils and squeeze the bulb repeatedly.

My wife would caution me, “Let her sleep. You’re going to suck her brain out!”

They don’t use bulb syringes anymore.

Cleaning baby’s nose is accomplished with this apparatus:

A straw running from Mom’s mouth to baby’s snot-locker.

Yes. I’m certain this is for Mom.

Notice the picture on the box?

Dad’s face is not visible.

That’s because Dad fainted when he saw Mom using the thing.

There is always some new thing to assist in caring for babies.

Babies themselves are still using an ancient design.

Some people insist the design is evolving but I don’t believe it.

I’d expect babies to be born with plastic tubes already attached.

Tubes that could be connected to oxygen to help their lungs.

Tubes that Mom (not Dad) could use to clear nasal cavities.

But we’re still getting babies with teensy-weensy little nostrils.

It takes perseverance and courage to pull a booger from those tiny openings.

Especially with the baby thrashing in protest.

Mom’s have that courage.

Mom’s have that perseverance.

A mother’s love fears no mucus.

And that’s why babies haven’t evolved plastic tubes.