All posts by John Branyan

Recite An Enlightened Pledge of Allegiance

Year ago, reciting the pledge of allegiance was a habit.

Like saying, “Bless you,” when somebody sneezed.

Standing for the anthem was a similar gesture.

It’s just what you did whenever the Star Spangled Banner started playing.

This changed as time went by and American values were replaced with depraved, self-centered stupidity.

You’re offended when your personal needs aren’t the primary concern of the rest of the country.

When “the system” doesn’t work to your advantage – it’s “broken”.

In a noble display of dissent, you refuse to remove your hat, place a hand on your heart, look at the flag, or recite a pledge.

That’s lame.

Wouldn’t you rather say something?

Wouldn’t you rather make a scene and be the center of attention?

I can help you out!

I’ve written an alternative Pledge of Allegiance that you can recite to remind the rest of us that you’re better than we are.

Feel free to print this out and carry it with you.

(Memorizing it would be ‘indoctrination’ so I recommend you not do that.)

Woke Pledge of Allegiance

I pledge allegiance to my feelings and to the virtues I imagine they represent.

And to the Republic in which I reside – I reject, denounce and abhor you.

My nation, without God, divided by differences, with liberty for all who concur with me.

How To Vote Without Losing Your Soul

When I first started voting in national elections, casting a vote required some thoughtfulness.

Most of the candidates had similar integrity and character.

At least, they claimed to have character and integrity.

Voting is much easier these days.

Many candidates have quit pretending to be human and are running, unashamedly, on a platform that kills children.

(Democrats. It’s Democrats that do this.)

These candidates tell us that killing babies is necessary because women need health care.

But that’s not really the reason babies are aborted.

Abortion for “health concerns of mother” is 4%.

Babies are aborted because their mothers are selfish.

Democrat candidates never use the word “selfish” to describe mothers.

Democrat candidates use words like, “afraid”, “abused”, “marginalized”, “desperate”, or “helpless”.

Those words may be appropriate in some cases.

Desperate, fearful, abused, helpless people can also be selfish.

Selfishness kills your soul.

Voting for a Democrat is approving selfishness.

Democrats manipulate fearful, abused mothers to get votes.

They tell scared, helpless girls that abortion has no consequences.

They lie.

Selfishness kills your soul.

What does it profit you to gain the whole world and lose your soul?

There are no perfect candidates.

But some are better than others.

Never vote for a candidate that encourages selfishness.

You could lose your soul.

Climate Change Isn’t Science. It’s Religion.

People accuse me of saying stuff just to be provocative.

They’re right.

I mean, take a look at the title of this article.

Climate change believers will insist their beliefs aren’t beliefs but “science”.

They’re wrong.

With my usual brand of delightful jocularity, I explained why climate change doesn’t matter.

Some people responded by insisting that “science” proves beyond all doubt that humans are destroying the Earth.

Cows play a part too.

Which may be absolutely true.

Did you hear that?

To save you sending me links to a million weather articles neither one of us understand – I will repeat:

“HUMANS MAY BE CAUSING CLIMATE CHANGE AND THUS DESTROYING THE EARTH.”

Clear enough?

I’ve conceded your point.

My original point remains:

“So what?”

Before you launch into another sermon about the immorality of polluting the planet into extinction, consider this:

Morality is a biological adaptation no less than our hands and feet and teeth…Considered as a rationally justifiable set of claims about an objective something, ethics is illusory. I appreciate that when somebody says “Love thy neighbor as thyself,” they think they are referring above and beyond themselves…Nevertheless, such reference is truly without foundation.

Atheist – Michael Ruse

If “love they neighbor” is without foundation, guess what…so is “love thy planet”.

This is all I was saying before.

If you don’t believe in God, you have no basis for your righteous crusade of preservation.

But don’t take MY word for it.

Evolutionary biology tells us there are no purposeful principles in nature . . .There are no inherent moral or ethical laws .

Atheist – William Provine

And the most famous of all:

In a universe of electrons and selfish genes, blind physical forces and genetic replication, some people are going to get hurt, other people are going to get lucky, and you won’t find any rhyme or reason in it, nor any justice. The universe we observe has precisely the properties we should expect if there is, at bottom, no design, no purpose, no evil and no good, nothing but blind pitiless indifference.

Atheist – Richard Dawkins*

Ta-Da!

Destroying the planet is not immoral.

Your sanctimonious sermons about my “responsibilities” are tedious.

I don’t want to listen to you preach.

I absolutely don’t want you to legislate anything…ever.

Keep your religion to yourself.


*Dawkin’s website currently proclaims that members of Richard Dawkin’s club have “unselfish genes”. This is nothing short of hilarious as it completely undercuts the philosophy that made Dawkins rich and famous. The fool says in his heart there is no God. Then the fool becomes a disciple of religious windbags.

South Bend Indiana Elected A Dufus As Mayor

I don’t pay much attention to South Bend.

I’d never heard of Pete Buttigieg until I fell over this article.

“Pete Buttigieg, Asked About Joe Biden Calling Mike Pence A “Decent Guy,” Says Pence Has “Absolutely Fanatical” Views”

That’s just the title of the article, not the opening paragraph

Mike Pence used to be the Governor of my beloved home state, Indiana.

(And Pence was the first person I ever heard refer to Indiana as “beloved”.)

Now, Mike Pence is Vice President of the United States.

Pete Buttigieg is the mayor of the 4th largest city in Indiana…

…and a homosexual…

…and an opportunistic dufus.

Buttigieg says (about Pence):

” I mean to your face, if he were sitting right here, you’d think that this guy is very polite. But that masks this absolutely fanatical view about how the world works or how the universe works that has led to these incredibly hurtful, dangerous, and harmful policies, and that’s what we have now in the White House. And I think it chills a lot of us, especially in the LGBTQ community, to see that somebody like that can be in that kind of position of power.”

This is a better title for the article if you ask me…

(Begin Satire)

Buttigieg is a homosexual so I can trust him completely.

Homosexuals are always right.

Homosexuals never lie.

Pence is an outspoken Christian.

Everyone knows Christianity is full of hurtful, dangerous, and harmful policies.

That is common knowledge that doesn’t need to be demonstrated.

The LGBTQ(rstwxyz) community is chilled!

They’re CHILLED I tell you!

That’s all the evidence I need to know that Mike Pence has fanatical views.

I haven’t heard Pence express anything fanatical…he’s too smart for that!

He keeps his wild-eyed hatred hidden from the public.

Thank God for gay mayors!

Homosexuals have X-Men powers.

They can sense fanaticism.

It chills them.

(End Satire)

To my fellow Hoosiers living in South Bend: You elected a dufus as mayor.

He embarrassed you in Buzzfeed.

Next election, vote for somebody less hateful and stupid.

You have the 4th largest population in the state…surely you can find somebody.

Why Smart People Don’t Worry About The Earth

Maybe you’ve heard the news.

Humans are filling the atmosphere with carbon and the Earth is doomed.

Maybe you’ve made drastic changes to your lifestyle in order to reduce your carbon output.

Ha! Hahahaha! Haaahahahahahahhaaaa!

Just kidding.

Nobody does that.

But in the midst of your hypocrisy may be some despair.

Climate change research is some of the highest quality propaganda to ever brainwash mankind.

Charts and graphs lend credibility to the notion that icebergs melt because cows fart.

If you find the thought of extinction unsettling, I have some advice for you:

Be not afraid.

God determines the climate on Earth, not us.

The sea levels don’t rise against His will.

If you don’t believe in God and find the thought of extinction unsettling, I have some advice for you:

Be not stupid.

Remember, evolution is an unguided process.

Humans have successfully adapted to thrive anywhere on the planet.

The result will be the destruction of said planet.

No big deal.

We weren’t intended to be here in the first place.

Did you think the mindless machinations of evolution would preserve human beings forever?

Ha! Hahahaha! Haaahahahahahahhaaaa!

You’re a moron.

Smart people don’t worry about the Earth.

Whether they believe in God or not, they know the Earth is doing exactly what it’s supposed to do.

Smart people know power-hungry politicians, activists, and experts can’t make rain.

And nobody can stop cows from farting.

Jesus Told Me To Unfriend You

Jen: “Quick, heartfelt note to my child trafficking darlings, especially the dear young baby slavers beloved by Jesus. You are my heart. If I tried to describe all I have learned from you in the past few years, I couldn’t do it. You ARE the church. Lead on, precious ones! You are immensely loved by Jesus and capable of great holiness!”

Peach: “Wait! What?”

Jen: “I’m encouraging my marginalized brothers and sisters who sell children on the black market.”

Peach: “WHY??!!!”

Jen: “Because the church treats these people horribly!”

Peach: “Huh?!!”

Jen: “Church people condemn, judge, and belittle them all the time.”

Peach: “Because selling children is a sin…”

Jen: “Jesus never spoke against human trafficking.”

Peach: “No…but…”

Jen: “Jesus just loved them.”

Peach: “I think you’re…”

Jen: “He loved that woman who committed adultery.”

B: “Yes…”

Jen: “He loved that woman who was a prostitute.”

Peach: “…and…”

Jen: “And he loves people who sell children on the black market.”

Peach: “…”

Jen: “He loves homosexual people and bi-sexual people and transgender people.”

Peach: “Indeed.”

Jen: “Jesus loves everyone, no matter who they love!”

Peach: “Even people who have sex with animals.”

Jen: “ARE YOU COMPARING HOMOSEXUALITY TO BESTIALITY!!!!!!???!! You bigoted bucket of vomit! Get away from me with your hate!!!!”

Peach: “I’m agreeing with you! Jesus loves everyone, no matter how they’ve sinned.”

Jen: “You’re disgusting. I’ll pray God softens your heart like mine.”

Peach: “Thank you.”

Jen: unfriend block

Jen: “Hey, everyone! I had to block an ugly, hateful, god-forsaken person for applying my earlier post too broadly. I sincerely apologize for any emotional trauma you suffered from the encounter with your pious hypocrisy. I will be more vigilant in the future to make sure contrary points of view do not disturb the tranquility of our sanctimonious echo chamber. Love wins!”

Your Religion Is A Slogan

Back when your grandparents were kids people used to do something called, “thinking”.

You would make a comment like:

“A cigarette affirms our ability and responsibility to lead ethical lives of personal fulfillment that aspire to the greater good of humanity.”

Your grandparents would “think about” that and reply:

“Baloney.”

Thinking was useful for keeping civilization from being ruined by stupidity.

Believe it or not, thinking used to occur in church!

There’s an ancient, seldom referenced religious book (called ‘The Bible’) that actually says:

” As was his custom, Paul went into the synagogue, and on three Sabbath days he reasoned with them from the Scriptures, explaining and proving that the Messiah had to suffer and rise from the dead. “

Acts 17:2

Paul was a ‘religious guy’ who thought about Christianity a lot.

Religion doesn’t require thought anymore.

We’re a brain-dead society that accepts any fancy platitude as religious wisdom.

Humanism is a progressive philosophy of life that, without supernaturalism, affirms our ability and responsibility to lead ethical lives of personal fulfillment that aspire to the greater good of humanity.”

You’re nodding your head.

Your grandparents would have a different response.

You can go through religious propaganda and replace ‘humanism’ with popular products without affecting the usefulness of the statement.

You doubt?

“Pepsi —guided by reason, inspired by compassion, and informed by experience—encourages us to live life well and fully. “

“Life’s fulfillment emerges from individual participation in Carvinal Cruises.”

“Taco Bell customers are concerned for the well being of all, are committed to diversity, and respect those of differing yet humane views.”

Your grandparents didn’t believe everything they heard.

At least occasionally, they would think about stuff.

You should do that too.

So you don’t waste your life believing baloney:

“Humans are an integral part of nature, the result of unguided evolutionary change.”

Humanist Baloney – That’s not even good for making a sandwich.

Comedians Ought To Write Advice Columns

That’s actually a fantastic idea.

Maybe I’m biased but I’ll ignore that possibility for the sake of this article.

The problem is a rational person won’t ask a comedian for advice.

For my plan to work, I’ll need to find some irrational people.

No problem!

Slate.com is a mother lode of cognitive dissonance.

I’ll pick out a loony question at random and respond with unsolicited wisdom.


My co-worker and I work together really closely on a project that involves working with kids a lot. Last winter, I had a baby and immediately jumped into this project after returning from maternity leave. It was high-stress and I struggled with coping with the long hours and solo parenting while my husband was out of town for long stretches, and I was later diagnosed with postpartum anxiety.

Midway through our project, my co-worker noticed a crying child and instead of asking me if I could help in a neutral, professional way, he told me to “go be maternal.” I was shocked in such a way that it didn’t register for a while, but suddenly our entire dynamic shifted. Where we’d been a great team before, suddenly I felt myself quick to anger, quick to give the silent treatment, and quick to jealousy when I saw him treating other female co-workers as more than mere mother figures. I confronted him about it, and he apologized, but I cannot let it go. I know it’s partially my fault for not accepting the apology (I told him I did at the time because what was I supposed to do?) and partially because it was an offhand sexist comment delivered at the exact wrong time when I was insecure about everything, from how good I was at my job to my qualifications as a mother. I keep getting frustrated with this co-worker and want to just burn it all down with him, but I know it’s a bridge I can’t burn, so I feel trapped.

How do I move toward where I can accept this apology and repair a good working relationship so many months later? We share an office with a hot, talented non-mom who I think he has a crush on, which makes it even worse.


Great question! Fortunately, the answer is so simple that even a stressed out solo parent can understand it. Here it is:

Get over yourself.

You have nothing to forgive. Your co-worker didn’t owe you an apology in the first place. The word, “maternal” is not an insult. For centuries, women considered it a compliment. Remember when you told me, “Last winter, I had a baby…”? That’s what the word means! Your co-worker undoubtedly noticed your prolonged absence from work during ‘maternity leave’ and concluded that when you returned to work you would be a mother. And for the record, he was correct.

The “dynamic shifted” because you’re a crazy person. It is not “an offhand sexist comment” to call a mother “maternal” any more than it’s inappropriate to call an iceberg, “chilly”. Crying children like maternal people and the most maternal people on Earth ARE MOTHERS!

Shame on you for saying you, “share an office with a hot, talented non-mom”. What an incredibly insensitive thing to say! You realize your co-worker is more than a mere hottie, don’t you? Just because she doesn’t have a baby, like you, doesn’t mean she’s unworthy being someone’s crush. Not everyone is maternal. Has your co-worker ever told the non-mom to, “Go be hot”? I’d wager not. Seems to me YOU are the sexist.

The good news is: now that you know it, you can start working on it! Step one is lookup words in a dictionary before you freak out when somebody applies them to you. Step two would be to apologize to your co-worker for your psychotic reaction to his innocuous statement. Step three is to quit using the word “mere” in front of the word “mother”. You are degrading an entire group of human beings who have contributed greatly to mankind. It’s not okay to talk smack about mothers just because you are one.

This Bugs People Who Hate What You Say

I stumbled up Gab.ai a couple of years ago.

Haven’t done much with it since I signed up but that is going to change.

Gab is intended to be an alternative to Twitter or Facebook where you can say ANYTHING you want without censorship.

Obviously, you’re going to find some nut-jobs on Gab.

Nut-jobs are often the first to adopt new things.

Recently, the people that invented Gab introduced a new thing called Dissenter.

And the people at Vice.com lost their minds.

Anything that triggers the people at Vice.com is worth investigating.

I’ve been playing around with Dissenter for a few days and I am rendering my verdict.

It’s fabulous!

Dissenter is a plug-in for your browser that allows you to comment on ANY web page.

ANY. WEBPAGE.

That means – You can’t be blocked, banned, or otherwise banished for saying things that censors don’t like.

It means you can comment on blogs that have banned you.

Like this: https://dissenter.com/comment/5c7d402b20f50762667951c4

Or this: https://dissenter.com/comment/5c7e236c698bb16c62e8fb64

Or this: https://dissenter.com/comment/5c7e2627698bb16c62e8fde3

It also means, you can keep a discussion going on Facebook after Jen Hatmaker “un-invites you” to her party: https://dissenter.com/comment/5c7d503920f5076266796bc0

Again…you can comment on ANY webpage.

This thing is brand-spanking new and there aren’t millions of people using it yet.

And lots of the people currently using it are nut-jobs so this would be a good time for non-nut-jobs (like you) to sign-up.

The plug-in make it super-easy to use.

You’ll never have to use Dissenter on my blog because I don’t kick people out of the conversation even when they’re wretched.

But not everyone is as open-minded and tolerant as I am.

So get yourself a Gab.ai account and install the Dissenter plug-in.

It’s a game changer.

Democrat Technology Is The Next Great Thing!

There’s a new project on Kickstarter.

It’s fantastic!

The Democrats in the House of Representatives put the plans together.

I’m no fan of the Democratic Party but this idea may change everything.

The bugs aren’t fully worked out of the technology yet.

At this point, it’s just an idea that makes people feel warm and happy.

Like universal health care, gender equality, and taxing rich people until they’re poor.

But the Democrats are on to something promising this time – and it’s a much better idea than racism.

The Dems are developing an artificial human soul!

It’s disposable!

After a few weeks of supporting Democratic policies…

…you just throw the tainted soul away and get a new one!

I’m a bigoted, hateful, capitalist so my first question was, “How much will these souls cost?”

I’ll admit the answer surprised me.

Each soul costs nothing!

This is accomplished by years of Democratic policies that place no value on human beings.

Think paper cups or gum wrappers.

Imagine the impact this will have on your life!

You can cheer for infanticide and euthanasia.

You can bask in the progressive applause lavished upon you by your virtue signaling.

You can hate people because they’re white!

You can hate anyone who’s different!

You can celebrate socialist agendas that crush the souls of everyone else!

You can devote yourself entirely to yourself.

Tell the rest of us you’re motivated by love.

And then, at the moment the guilt makes it difficult to sleep or look in the mirror…

…replace your soul with a new one.

A fresh, clean, innocent soul – like a baby from a botched abortion.

As I said before, the technology is still a few years away.

Research and development is scheduled to begin in earnest right after climate change is eliminated.

So you’ll be dead.

Which means you’ll only have one soul.

So you should take care of it.

If it’s covered with guilt you can take it to Jesus and he’ll clean it for you.

Free of charge.