Here’s to the things I never did. To things I never was; I did you and I did us. A little bit of both and they called us fake love. Trauma was our friend cause we laid addicted to life’s fake stuff. But truth be told, this life was getting frail and old. How we…
I may have mentioned it before, that I’m amazing with cutting toxic people out of my life. Perhaps too good at it. It comes at the expense of having a lot of crappy people in my life. And when I say crappy people, I don’t mean they were necessarily horrible people. In fact from the point of view of others, they were amazing individuals. However, in the end, they were the wrong people for me.
The old me would wonder how is it possible for everyone to be the same? I was confused as to the fact that there weren’t just a few bad ones among the batch but it would be the whole batch. Eventually, I began thinking it was my fault. I was the problem. I would think perhaps I made people want to take advantage of me. My sister and I both spoke of how we somehow brought out the insecurities of people by just being ourselves. However, we realized that we were just in a different place emotionally, physically, and mentally from the people who at first seemed great but turned to become the monsters I would take years to recover from.
I stopped bullshitting myself basically. I never thought I was better but I had realized that I had already fought my own insecurities and demons. In reality, the truth was I had come out with an extremely high self-esteem, confidence, and knowledge of my worth/self-value. But these toxic people or “wrong” people weren’t in that same position. And they usually lashed out at the ones who had achieved what they hadn’t yet.
There is usually always a gray area, but there really is no gray area for when someone is “wrong” for you. It is purely black and white. And when I mean “wrong” I mean individuals who are affecting your energy, slowly draining you. Not like, oh he’s wrong for you because he doesn’t have a great job (which is honestly a horrible reason).
A friend of mine, also a colleague, asked me, “how do you do it?” At the time, all our friends were huddled around her comforting her as she cried about her mentally abusive boyfriend. It had been months since I met her and I began to notice the pattern. She would always say she would break up with him but would end up not doing it. So despite caring for her, I would get irritated.
My friend was not blinded by love but blinded by herself.
But instead, I told her the truth of how I cut people off. If I mentally just say I’m kicking this person out of my life, even I don’t take myself seriously. Promises that only I know about are just that much more expendable. Instead, after I decide to kick someone out, I physically cut them off. I don’t just delete them from social media. If possible without them knowing, I block them. Some may say it’s drastic but this is about making yourself the priority. The reason why I say block them if you can do it without them being notified is that it truly becomes just about you. It’s something you’re doing for your peace of mind. However, if they get notified, don’t block them because it involves them and then it becomes about doing it so they know you’re doing it. The people I’ve cut out of my life most likely don’t even know I actively cut them off. They most likely think over time we gradually lost contact. However, personally, I know that’s not true.
After I unfollow them on all social media platforms, delete their contacts, and wherever else you guys are connected in cyber space, then I throw out any things I have that was either gifted to them or more. I completely isolate them away from my life. Performing such actions is a period of healing for you. Not a warfare of returning materials to your exes or friends. Once you take their existence out of everything you come in contact with in your life, soon emotionally you forget too.
Out of sight, out of mind truly works.
If you decided that all of that is not necessary, it’s also because you’re not actively planning on cutting that person off in the first place. In other words, you create leeway.
There is nothing wrong with putting yourself as the priority. Even if it means making someone less than nothing in your life. It’s not devaluing someone else but rather valuing yourself enough to know, this person is “wrong” for you.
Flakers. There exist a few individuals in one’s life where their words value to nothing. However, I truly believed that someone made the time for you if they believed you’re already worth it or worth the investment thinking you would become someone to them. It could be with the expectation of becoming a person they met once in a while but gave you a good time or a best friend you would spend a lifetime knowing.
But my belief shattered after meeting several frustratingly new people in my life that told me I was growing in a generation where the “value of time” was forgotten. Or those specific individuals don’t know how to value their own time.
I don’t say those words out of spite but rather speculation. I seriously don’t know what goes on in their heads. I can’t do much other than observing their obvious patterns that support that statement. In fact, I also say it out of the reason that I care despite being told by my parents and my sister who has had to deal with the same people, to not care as they do.
The ironic part is that I hadn’t cared before. It was the opposite where my family cared so much that they began to pressure me to spend time with our new neighbors and their circle of friends because they were so invested. I chose not to then because I was still in a bad place in my life. Life went on, my sister moved away permanently and my mother became more detached and they longer didn’t care. Their investment has gone since they no longer had the time to be invested.
As a result, I was at a better place as time went by and under their encouragement, I began to give my time, effort, and emotions into developing a relationships with these individuals. I regret it.
These girls basically took what they could get without giving no time in return. They would make promises, never following through. They started to become a burden where I, who had a high self-esteem and knew the “value of time,” became a filler for theirs when they had nothing else to do.
Soon I began to realize it was just their personality. They would complain and tell me of how they would dislike mutual friends we had and would prefer to not spend time with them. I had nothing against our mutual friends but I had no inclination of spending time with them because the group was composed of men that would hit on me with no commitment to their words. I had concluded long before, I had better things to do with my time so I didn’t spend time with them either when the girls refused to. I chose to not comment on their harsh words about those men and moved on.
Days later I would see these girls spending time with one of the guys from this group, who they particularly hated but always left hanging on a thread, for several days on straight to a week. This same boy, I had realized months ago, hated being alone. He would call anyone on his phone to see who’s free to hang out. Months ago, he would call me daily and I would always ask, how many people did you call before you got to me?
It was rather a hint to him, that this was not okay. Whether or not he was calling me to hit on me or as a friend, it didn’t matter. Everyone has that one night, where they really want to do something so they call quite a few people because everyone’s canceling. I also have those nights where I just want to hang out with a friend. But if you’re doing it every day, it only tells me you don’t like being alone with yourself. So, contacting me was equal to meaning nothing. Our relationship as being “friends” held no substance what so ever.
I was polite but soon started declining every opportunity he asked to hang out because I honestly did have better things to do. Either hanging out with friends who took out the time from their busy schedule like me to spend time together or to literally stay in bed to be lazy.
Thos girls were similar to that boy in that even though they didn’t hate being alone, they loved the concept of “doing something.” Doing anything even if it held no substance to it made it feel like they were doing something with their life. A pattern I’ve been seeing a lot in quite a few people.
What sealed the deal to my discontent towards these girls was when they blamed others when they didn’t feel like doing anything or loved making others make the plan and ride along with the bandwagon. There’s nothing wrong with preferring last minute plans, but making someone making the plans for you, constantly flaking on them, saying you want to go again, then flaking again, and then weeks later using that same person as a time filler really says a lot.
I cared about them because I held value to my words, time, and efforts to invest in them, knowing you have to do it first before someone can consider to do it back. So I’m hurt because the people who don’t even understand the concept of valuing such things in their life, think it’s okay. And it’s not. Because such things aren’t subjective from person to person. Each person’s time matters. And wasting it is not just disrespectful…it lacks basic etiquette.
If you don’t hold your own time valuable, at least hold someone else’s time valuable. They have better things to do just like you do.
I was going through my old blog, thinking what piece of writing I could reuse. It was the attempt to keep up with my present blog despite my lack of inspiration. However, as I read on and on, I couldn’t think of reposting any of it without cutting some parts out from here or there.
But it still wouldn’t work. The entirety of my words was completely in the moment back then. It was to the point that I could no longer relate those very words to my present. My past self, who had written them, were no longer relevant.
It almost felt odd to replace who I was now with my old self that has transformed drastically since. I was so broken, depressed, and raw before that it didn’t feel right to describe myself feeling those emotions again. I am not whole yet, but I am so much better now.
I have gotten better and improved to the point that now I have become “complacent,” as my sister describes it. I have started to settle for what was easiest and most comfortable, despite my all out war to fight against just that. Staying in one place, never moving forward, was a death sentence upon me and my future. I have to move forward like I did the last time.
Always being confronted by others who love displaying their life as a flashy diamond ring, trying to put me down to make their insecure selves feel better, I had to remind myself to forget it. Push past it like always. They may not know what you’ve gone through but you know. And you deserve better. Whatever better stands for.
I’m greedy. I have selfish wants to fulfill. Happiness to achieve. Desires to be met. But it also just means that I’m human. And when you’re human, constant expectation haunt you. Like…
I expect you to love me because I love you. I expect you to care because I’m trying every day to make you care as much as I do. I expect to do well because I’m studying my ass off for this exam.
Yet often our expectations don’t match up with the results, and it hurts like hell. So like a mantra I try to brainwash myself to imagine the worst scenario or force myself to expect the least. Of course it’s not right but unfortunately, it works for me. Surprisingly, I’m happier when I expect nothing in return or when I expect the worst.
Is this me advocating to think negatively? No. I hope not. Because it sucks to have to train yourself to think the worst whenever something good is happening in your life, in fear that you would lose it. But also because it doesn’t work every time. Human nature gets in the way sometimes, and you do what’s natural for you…you have expectations.
However, last weekend was a reminder. It reminded me that it matters upon whom you’re bestowing those expectations upon. It reminded me that it’s not my fault for having expectations, nor is it their fault since they’re not even aware of what’s going through your mind.
After going through a rough past three years as a result of my unforgiving past, I had come out of the pain as a defensive person. I wasn’t willing to open up. Although, just like I was willing those past three years, I was willing to work on myself now as well. I was ready to open myself up to other people.
So, I invested time and effort recently towards several friends I only hung out with unless my sister came to visit. Before they began to hold no expectation that I would be there to spend time with them when my sister left the state. Since I wanted to try and change that despite how scared I was to get close, this weekend the two girls, who were sisters, their mother was in the hospital and I went to be by their side each day.
I was putting in the effort so they would subconsciously begin to once again have expectations from me. So they would soon want me to be with them or hang out with them.
Then what I didn’t expect, happened. They began to drop contact with me. I felt used and unwanted again. Before, I had no genuine friends or close relationships because I had experienced trauma and hurt from getting too close. Eventually, though I admitted that the fault was mine for having such few genuine relationships because I didn’t try to have any back then.
The problem is that it still sucks. It still hurts with effort or no effort. The past few years of me trying and putting the effort to change where I could start having expectations has been hard. Since it doesn’t work when the other person doesn’t follow through with your expectations.
However, It made me realize that again I was wrong.
Expectations should be placed based on how deep and mutual the relationship is. I expect myself to be the best of the best. I control myself, so if I fail that expectation it’s on me. However, I can easily succeed because if I have the will, one thing I can effect, control, and achieve is me. I can expect my family to be there for me when I need them. Not because I’m there for them every time. But because of our mutual unsaid contract that requires us to be there for each other to keep the bond and our relationship strong.
Those friends I met and unintentionally failed me didn’t even know I had expectations of them. I expected them to be my friends. I expected they would spend time with me as much as I wanted to spend time with them after I was there for them when they needed someone. I had expectations of a genuine relationship between all of us.
So, it doesn’t mean it was a complete failure. Rather this weekend was the start of me establishing my end of the bargain. It was me showing that they could have expectations from me. Now it’s their turn to make me feel stable and believe that I can have expectations from them if they truly wish to be a part of my life…through time, effort, and will. It can be done subconsciously where one day they might just start caring or not about my presence.
I’m not putting myself on a pedestal telling everyone, oh beware you need to earn me and my time. No. I don’t mean that. Instead, I mean that relationships with people or even things are built upon a foundation. That foundation needs to be built before it can be walked upon. So then I can say when my sister or friend isn’t there for me despite that mutual construct, I can truly feel disappointed, hurt, and have a legitimate reason to be pissed off.
For now, I can only wait for those friends to come around. With expectations or none. In the end, I can’t be pissed off if they decide to never contact me again…okay maybe a little…
I felt unsure and unwanted. Recently there has become a trend to have boyfriends. It may seem an immature topic but it’s a relevant one for me. For a 19-year-old girl like me to never have had a boyfriend shocks others and becomes an automatic topic of interest when meeting new people. And to meet two young girls yesterday, only 17 years old going through what I went through, pulled on my heartstrings. Those girls and I are surrounded by people of our age group that believes that their relationship with their other half is a huge part of their life. Almost to the point that conversations are mainly about which guy or girl they’re into. Soon, girls like me end up becoming interested in the idea of a boyfriend, not the actual idea of being with that certain person. Both males and females become excited easily just by the show of interest from another person, no longer asking themselves, do I even like this person? Relationships have become a matter of possessing them, they were no longer a natural part of life. Comforting those girls and telling them they were okay. Reassuring them that they were normal was as if I was comforting my younger and present self. However, it’s a process when fighting yourself and everything that’s telling you that being alone is not okay. There really is no result. Or at least, I have yet to see one.
However, I remember when I was speaking to my mother about feeling undesirable and wondering why I was still single she responded,
The flowers that bloom late are the ones that last the longest.
There is nothing wrong with going with the flow and following the trend. You bloomed quickly but nevertheless, you bloomed into who you are and wish to be. However, just as so blooming slowly is okay as well. You will bloom nevertheless as well, but everyone has their own timeline. And allowing yourself the time and peace to not feel rushed to find someone is respecting the idea of you naturally finding someone at your own time and pace. Only then can you find a relationship that is worthwhile.
CHICAGO (CBS) — A man was shot dead and five more people were wounded in separate attacks Wednesday on the South and West sides of Chicago.
The killing happened about 9:20 a.m. in the Austin neighborhood, where someone walked up to a 34-year-old man sitting in the driver’s seat of a vehicle parked in the 4700 block of West Flournoy, and shot him in the abdomen and the arm, according to Chicago…