Category Archives: relationships

A New Rule of Attraction

It’s hard to practice what you preach sometimes. This week I have felt incredibly envious of a younger woman because I didn’t feel like I could match up to her. My partner used to have a crush on this woman who is a friend of his and I noticed this when I met her and…

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Not Only Do Opposites Attract–They Thrive Together. Here’s Why…

Don’t shy away from dating or befriending someone because they appear to be too different from you. You may be passing up an opportunity to experience true love, develop a deep appreciation for divergent viewpoints and the opportunity to become your best self.

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The Wrong People

I may have mentioned it before, that I’m amazing with cutting toxic people out of my life. Perhaps too good at it. It comes at the expense of having a lot of crappy people in my life. And when I say crappy people, I don’t mean they were necessarily horrible people. In fact from the point of view of others, they were amazing individuals. However, in the end, they were the wrong people for me. The old me would wonder how is it possible for everyone to be the same? I was confused as to the fact that there weren’t just a few bad ones among the batch but it would be the whole batch. Eventually, I began thinking it was my fault. I was the problem. I would think perhaps I made people want to take advantage of me. My sister and I both spoke of how we somehow brought out the insecurities of people by just being ourselves. However, we realized that we were just in a different place emotionally, physically, and mentally from the people who at first seemed great but turned to become the monsters I would take years to recover from. I stopped bullshitting myself basically. I never thought I was better but I had realized that I had already fought my own insecurities and demons. In reality, the truth was I had come out with an extremely high self-esteem, confidence, and knowledge of my worth/self-value. But these toxic people or “wrong” people weren’t in that same position. And they usually lashed out at the ones who had achieved what they hadn’t yet. There is usually always a gray area, but there really is no gray area for when someone is “wrong” for you. It is purely black and white. And when I mean “wrong” I mean individuals who are affecting your energy, slowly draining you. Not like, oh he’s wrong for you because he doesn’t have a great job (which is honestly a horrible reason). A friend of mine, also a colleague, asked me, “how do you do it?” At the time, all our friends were huddled around her comforting her as she cried about her mentally abusive boyfriend. It had been months since I met her and I began to notice the pattern. She would always say she would break up with him but would end up not doing it. So despite caring for her, I would get irritated.
My friend was not blinded by love but blinded by herself.

But instead, I told her the truth of how I cut people off. If I mentally just say I’m kicking this person out of my life, even I don’t take myself seriously. Promises that only I know about are just that much more expendable. Instead, after I decide to kick someone out, I physically cut them off. I don’t just delete them from social media. If possible without them knowing, I block them. Some may say it’s drastic but this is about making yourself the priority. The reason why I say block them if you can do it without them being notified is that it truly becomes just about you. It’s something you’re doing for your peace of mind. However, if they get notified, don’t block them because it involves them and then it becomes about doing it so they know you’re doing it. The people I’ve cut out of my life most likely don’t even know I actively cut them off. They most likely think over time we gradually lost contact. However, personally, I know that’s not true. After I unfollow them on all social media platforms, delete their contacts, and wherever else you guys are connected in cyber space, then I throw out any things I have that was either gifted to them or more. I completely isolate them away from my life. Performing such actions is a period of healing for you. Not a warfare of returning materials to your exes or friends. Once you take their existence out of everything you come in contact with in your life, soon emotionally you forget too. Out of sight, out of mind truly works. If you decided that all of that is not necessary, it’s also because you’re not actively planning on cutting that person off in the first place. In other words, you create leeway. There is nothing wrong with putting yourself as the priority. Even if it means making someone less than nothing in your life. It’s not devaluing someone else but rather valuing yourself enough to know, this person is “wrong” for you.    

The Wrong People

I may have mentioned it before, that I’m amazing with cutting toxic people out of my life. Perhaps too good at it. It comes at the expense of having a lot of crappy people in my life. And when I say crappy people, I don’t mean they were necessarily horrible people. In fact from the point of view of others, they were amazing individuals. However, in the end, they were the wrong people for me.

The old me would wonder how is it possible for everyone to be the same? I was confused as to the fact that there weren’t just a few bad ones among the batch but it would be the whole batch. Eventually, I began thinking it was my fault. I was the problem. I would think perhaps I made people want to take advantage of me. My sister and I both spoke of how we somehow brought out the insecurities of people by just being ourselves. However, we realized that we were just in a different place emotionally, physically, and mentally from the people who at first seemed great but turned to become the monsters I would take years to recover from.

I stopped bullshitting myself basically. I never thought I was better but I had realized that I had already fought my own insecurities and demons. In reality, the truth was I had come out with an extremely high self-esteem, confidence, and knowledge of my worth/self-value. But these toxic people or “wrong” people weren’t in that same position. And they usually lashed out at the ones who had achieved what they hadn’t yet.

There is usually always a gray area, but there really is no gray area for when someone is “wrong” for you. It is purely black and white. And when I mean “wrong” I mean individuals who are affecting your energy, slowly draining you. Not like, oh he’s wrong for you because he doesn’t have a great job (which is honestly a horrible reason).

A friend of mine, also a colleague, asked me, “how do you do it?” At the time, all our friends were huddled around her comforting her as she cried about her mentally abusive boyfriend. It had been months since I met her and I began to notice the pattern. She would always say she would break up with him but would end up not doing it. So despite caring for her, I would get irritated.

My friend was not blinded by love but blinded by herself.

But instead, I told her the truth of how I cut people off. If I mentally just say I’m kicking this person out of my life, even I don’t take myself seriously. Promises that only I know about are just that much more expendable. Instead, after I decide to kick someone out, I physically cut them off. I don’t just delete them from social media. If possible without them knowing, I block them. Some may say it’s drastic but this is about making yourself the priority. The reason why I say block them if you can do it without them being notified is that it truly becomes just about you. It’s something you’re doing for your peace of mind. However, if they get notified, don’t block them because it involves them and then it becomes about doing it so they know you’re doing it. The people I’ve cut out of my life most likely don’t even know I actively cut them off. They most likely think over time we gradually lost contact. However, personally, I know that’s not true.

After I unfollow them on all social media platforms, delete their contacts, and wherever else you guys are connected in cyber space, then I throw out any things I have that was either gifted to them or more. I completely isolate them away from my life. Performing such actions is a period of healing for you. Not a warfare of returning materials to your exes or friends. Once you take their existence out of everything you come in contact with in your life, soon emotionally you forget too.

Out of sight, out of mind truly works.

If you decided that all of that is not necessary, it’s also because you’re not actively planning on cutting that person off in the first place. In other words, you create leeway.

There is nothing wrong with putting yourself as the priority. Even if it means making someone less than nothing in your life. It’s not devaluing someone else but rather valuing yourself enough to know, this person is “wrong” for you.

 

 

To Not Care

Flakers. There exist a few individuals in one’s life where their words value to nothing. However, I truly believed that someone made the time for you if they believed you’re already worth it or worth the investment thinking you would become someone to them. It could be with the expectation of becoming a person they met once in a while but gave you a good time or a best friend you would spend a lifetime knowing. But my belief shattered after meeting several frustratingly new people in my life that told me I was growing in a generation where the “value of time” was forgotten. Or those specific individuals don’t know how to value their own time. I don’t say those words out of spite but rather speculation. I seriously don’t know what goes on in their heads. I can’t do much other than observing their obvious patterns that support that statement. In fact, I also say it out of the reason that I care despite being told by my parents and my sister who has had to deal with the same people, to not care as they do. The ironic part is that I hadn’t cared before. It was the opposite where my family cared so much that they began to pressure me to spend time with our new neighbors and their circle of friends because they were so invested. I chose not to then because I was still in a bad place in my life. Life went on, my sister moved away permanently and my mother became more detached and they longer didn’t care. Their investment has gone since they no longer had the time to be invested. As a result, I was at a better place as time went by and under their encouragement, I began to give my time, effort, and emotions into developing a relationships with these individuals. I regret it. These girls basically took what they could get without giving no time in return. They would make promises, never following through. They started to become a burden where I, who had a high self-esteem and knew the “value of time,” became a filler for theirs when they had nothing else to do. Soon I began to realize it was just their personality. They would complain and tell me of how they would dislike mutual friends we had and would prefer to not spend time with them. I had nothing against our mutual friends but I had no inclination of spending time with them because the group was composed of men that would hit on me with no commitment to their words. I had concluded long before, I had better things to do with my time so I didn’t spend time with them either when the girls refused to. I chose to not comment on their harsh words about those men and moved on. Days later I would see these girls spending time with one of the guys from this group, who they particularly hated but always left hanging on a thread, for several days on straight to a week. This same boy, I had realized months ago, hated being alone. He would call anyone on his phone to see who’s free to hang out. Months ago, he would call me daily and I would always ask, how many people did you call before you got to me? It was rather a hint to him, that this was not okay. Whether or not he was calling me to hit on me or as a friend, it didn’t matter. Everyone has that one night, where they really want to do something so they call quite a few people because everyone’s canceling. I also have those nights where I just want to hang out with a friend. But if you’re doing it every day, it only tells me you don’t like being alone with yourself. So, contacting me was equal to meaning nothing. Our relationship as being “friends” held no substance what so ever. I was polite but soon started declining every opportunity he asked to hang out because I honestly did have better things to do. Either hanging out with friends who took out the time from their busy schedule like me to spend time together or to literally stay in bed to be lazy. Thos girls were similar to that boy in that even though they didn’t hate being alone, they loved the concept of “doing something.” Doing anything even if it held no substance to it made it feel like they were doing something with their life. A pattern I’ve been seeing a lot in quite a few people. What sealed the deal to my discontent towards these girls was when they blamed others when they didn’t feel like doing anything or loved making others make the plan and ride along with the bandwagon. There’s nothing wrong with preferring last minute plans, but making someone making the plans for you, constantly flaking on them, saying you want to go again, then flaking again, and then weeks later using that same person as a time filler really says a lot. I cared about them because I held value to my words, time, and efforts to invest in them, knowing you have to do it first before someone can consider to do it back. So I’m hurt because the people who don’t even understand the concept of valuing such things in their life, think it’s okay. And it’s not. Because such things aren’t subjective from person to person. Each person’s time matters. And wasting it is not just disrespectful…it lacks basic etiquette. If you don’t hold your own time valuable, at least hold someone else’s time valuable. They have better things to do just like you do.

To Not Care

Flakers. There exist a few individuals in one’s life where their words value to nothing. However, I truly believed that someone made the time for you if they believed you’re already worth it or worth the investment thinking you would become someone to them. It could be with the expectation of becoming a person they met once in a while but gave you a good time or a best friend you would spend a lifetime knowing.

But my belief shattered after meeting several frustratingly new people in my life that told me I was growing in a generation where the “value of time” was forgotten. Or those specific individuals don’t know how to value their own time.

I don’t say those words out of spite but rather speculation. I seriously don’t know what goes on in their heads. I can’t do much other than observing their obvious patterns that support that statement. In fact, I also say it out of the reason that I care despite being told by my parents and my sister who has had to deal with the same people, to not care as they do.

The ironic part is that I hadn’t cared before. It was the opposite where my family cared so much that they began to pressure me to spend time with our new neighbors and their circle of friends because they were so invested. I chose not to then because I was still in a bad place in my life. Life went on, my sister moved away permanently and my mother became more detached and they longer didn’t care. Their investment has gone since they no longer had the time to be invested.

As a result, I was at a better place as time went by and under their encouragement, I began to give my time, effort, and emotions into developing a relationships with these individuals. I regret it.

These girls basically took what they could get without giving no time in return. They would make promises, never following through. They started to become a burden where I, who had a high self-esteem and knew the “value of time,” became a filler for theirs when they had nothing else to do.

Soon I began to realize it was just their personality. They would complain and tell me of how they would dislike mutual friends we had and would prefer to not spend time with them. I had nothing against our mutual friends but I had no inclination of spending time with them because the group was composed of men that would hit on me with no commitment to their words. I had concluded long before, I had better things to do with my time so I didn’t spend time with them either when the girls refused to. I chose to not comment on their harsh words about those men and moved on.

Days later I would see these girls spending time with one of the guys from this group, who they particularly hated but always left hanging on a thread, for several days on straight to a week. This same boy, I had realized months ago, hated being alone. He would call anyone on his phone to see who’s free to hang out. Months ago, he would call me daily and I would always ask, how many people did you call before you got to me?

It was rather a hint to him, that this was not okay. Whether or not he was calling me to hit on me or as a friend, it didn’t matter. Everyone has that one night, where they really want to do something so they call quite a few people because everyone’s canceling. I also have those nights where I just want to hang out with a friend. But if you’re doing it every day, it only tells me you don’t like being alone with yourself. So, contacting me was equal to meaning nothing. Our relationship as being “friends” held no substance what so ever.

I was polite but soon started declining every opportunity he asked to hang out because I honestly did have better things to do. Either hanging out with friends who took out the time from their busy schedule like me to spend time together or to literally stay in bed to be lazy.

Thos girls were similar to that boy in that even though they didn’t hate being alone, they loved the concept of “doing something.” Doing anything even if it held no substance to it made it feel like they were doing something with their life. A pattern I’ve been seeing a lot in quite a few people.

What sealed the deal to my discontent towards these girls was when they blamed others when they didn’t feel like doing anything or loved making others make the plan and ride along with the bandwagon. There’s nothing wrong with preferring last minute plans, but making someone making the plans for you, constantly flaking on them, saying you want to go again, then flaking again, and then weeks later using that same person as a time filler really says a lot.

I cared about them because I held value to my words, time, and efforts to invest in them, knowing you have to do it first before someone can consider to do it back. So I’m hurt because the people who don’t even understand the concept of valuing such things in their life, think it’s okay. And it’s not. Because such things aren’t subjective from person to person. Each person’s time matters. And wasting it is not just disrespectful…it lacks basic etiquette.

If you don’t hold your own time valuable, at least hold someone else’s time valuable. They have better things to do just like you do.