Dear King Inc. (makers of Candy Crush, and all other crushes),

Dear King Inc. (makers of Candy Crush, and all other crushes),

My cousin Wayne told me to get ahold of you because he says you’re a decent company that’s done a lot of good for dudes like me, so here goes nothing. Lately I’ve been playing a lot of your online games. My girlfriend is always yelling at me for being on my phone but, like Wayne says, sometimes we men just want to come home from work, sit in our semi-clean boxers, and not talk about our feelings.…

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