Tag Archives: time

Just Kill Me Already

Not knowing why you’re doing what you’re doing, or in my case not knowing why I’m not doing anything kills me. Especially for someone like me who is too aware of everything. People have been disappearing from my life…figuratively. They’re there but not really. There is really no one to blame. It’s a proof of life just moving ahead. Yet, despite the years I fought to start walking forward again, I’ve been set on staying in place these days. Time is moving but I’m not. It’s almost as if I’m afraid. From what, who knows. The worst is knowing with a little effort, I could reach for the stars. But it’s weird. It’s as if my body is choosing not to, despite my head screaming to get it together. Is this what happened last time, years ago? My head told me to move on but by my body stood still. I had known then I was broken yet at the same time I had no clue. Although this time the reason is completely lost on me. The tendency of these phases reoccurring is starting to tire me. I no longer want to fight with myself. For years, I have been trying to get better. I want to know when that better is finally here. When can I close my eyes and say you don’t need to look ahead anymore? Just look down and look here. Exactly where you are already.    

Saying No to Ignorance

I have this desire, on occasion, walking along a street, an avenue of opportunity. I see a figure, another human being, I imagine them to be accountable, so when they leave my presence, return to their world, the intimate part of life, their words, their actions, their beliefs, might continue the pursuit of happiness. I’m…

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In a Quiet Twilight

There’s been a lot of talk recently, about what it is, what we have, how the world seems to function, though we’re an anomaly to  the truth. – I came home tonight, yes, a sort of settling fashion, so often I’ve felt out of place, in a wonder, not knowing really, where home might ever…

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To Not Care

Flakers. There exist a few individuals in one’s life where their words value to nothing. However, I truly believed that someone made the time for you if they believed you’re already worth it or worth the investment thinking you would become someone to them. It could be with the expectation of becoming a person they met once in a while but gave you a good time or a best friend you would spend a lifetime knowing. But my belief shattered after meeting several frustratingly new people in my life that told me I was growing in a generation where the “value of time” was forgotten. Or those specific individuals don’t know how to value their own time. I don’t say those words out of spite but rather speculation. I seriously don’t know what goes on in their heads. I can’t do much other than observing their obvious patterns that support that statement. In fact, I also say it out of the reason that I care despite being told by my parents and my sister who has had to deal with the same people, to not care as they do. The ironic part is that I hadn’t cared before. It was the opposite where my family cared so much that they began to pressure me to spend time with our new neighbors and their circle of friends because they were so invested. I chose not to then because I was still in a bad place in my life. Life went on, my sister moved away permanently and my mother became more detached and they longer didn’t care. Their investment has gone since they no longer had the time to be invested. As a result, I was at a better place as time went by and under their encouragement, I began to give my time, effort, and emotions into developing a relationships with these individuals. I regret it. These girls basically took what they could get without giving no time in return. They would make promises, never following through. They started to become a burden where I, who had a high self-esteem and knew the “value of time,” became a filler for theirs when they had nothing else to do. Soon I began to realize it was just their personality. They would complain and tell me of how they would dislike mutual friends we had and would prefer to not spend time with them. I had nothing against our mutual friends but I had no inclination of spending time with them because the group was composed of men that would hit on me with no commitment to their words. I had concluded long before, I had better things to do with my time so I didn’t spend time with them either when the girls refused to. I chose to not comment on their harsh words about those men and moved on. Days later I would see these girls spending time with one of the guys from this group, who they particularly hated but always left hanging on a thread, for several days on straight to a week. This same boy, I had realized months ago, hated being alone. He would call anyone on his phone to see who’s free to hang out. Months ago, he would call me daily and I would always ask, how many people did you call before you got to me? It was rather a hint to him, that this was not okay. Whether or not he was calling me to hit on me or as a friend, it didn’t matter. Everyone has that one night, where they really want to do something so they call quite a few people because everyone’s canceling. I also have those nights where I just want to hang out with a friend. But if you’re doing it every day, it only tells me you don’t like being alone with yourself. So, contacting me was equal to meaning nothing. Our relationship as being “friends” held no substance what so ever. I was polite but soon started declining every opportunity he asked to hang out because I honestly did have better things to do. Either hanging out with friends who took out the time from their busy schedule like me to spend time together or to literally stay in bed to be lazy. Thos girls were similar to that boy in that even though they didn’t hate being alone, they loved the concept of “doing something.” Doing anything even if it held no substance to it made it feel like they were doing something with their life. A pattern I’ve been seeing a lot in quite a few people. What sealed the deal to my discontent towards these girls was when they blamed others when they didn’t feel like doing anything or loved making others make the plan and ride along with the bandwagon. There’s nothing wrong with preferring last minute plans, but making someone making the plans for you, constantly flaking on them, saying you want to go again, then flaking again, and then weeks later using that same person as a time filler really says a lot. I cared about them because I held value to my words, time, and efforts to invest in them, knowing you have to do it first before someone can consider to do it back. So I’m hurt because the people who don’t even understand the concept of valuing such things in their life, think it’s okay. And it’s not. Because such things aren’t subjective from person to person. Each person’s time matters. And wasting it is not just disrespectful…it lacks basic etiquette. If you don’t hold your own time valuable, at least hold someone else’s time valuable. They have better things to do just like you do.

To Not Care

Flakers. There exist a few individuals in one’s life where their words value to nothing. However, I truly believed that someone made the time for you if they believed you’re already worth it or worth the investment thinking you would become someone to them. It could be with the expectation of becoming a person they met once in a while but gave you a good time or a best friend you would spend a lifetime knowing.

But my belief shattered after meeting several frustratingly new people in my life that told me I was growing in a generation where the “value of time” was forgotten. Or those specific individuals don’t know how to value their own time.

I don’t say those words out of spite but rather speculation. I seriously don’t know what goes on in their heads. I can’t do much other than observing their obvious patterns that support that statement. In fact, I also say it out of the reason that I care despite being told by my parents and my sister who has had to deal with the same people, to not care as they do.

The ironic part is that I hadn’t cared before. It was the opposite where my family cared so much that they began to pressure me to spend time with our new neighbors and their circle of friends because they were so invested. I chose not to then because I was still in a bad place in my life. Life went on, my sister moved away permanently and my mother became more detached and they longer didn’t care. Their investment has gone since they no longer had the time to be invested.

As a result, I was at a better place as time went by and under their encouragement, I began to give my time, effort, and emotions into developing a relationships with these individuals. I regret it.

These girls basically took what they could get without giving no time in return. They would make promises, never following through. They started to become a burden where I, who had a high self-esteem and knew the “value of time,” became a filler for theirs when they had nothing else to do.

Soon I began to realize it was just their personality. They would complain and tell me of how they would dislike mutual friends we had and would prefer to not spend time with them. I had nothing against our mutual friends but I had no inclination of spending time with them because the group was composed of men that would hit on me with no commitment to their words. I had concluded long before, I had better things to do with my time so I didn’t spend time with them either when the girls refused to. I chose to not comment on their harsh words about those men and moved on.

Days later I would see these girls spending time with one of the guys from this group, who they particularly hated but always left hanging on a thread, for several days on straight to a week. This same boy, I had realized months ago, hated being alone. He would call anyone on his phone to see who’s free to hang out. Months ago, he would call me daily and I would always ask, how many people did you call before you got to me?

It was rather a hint to him, that this was not okay. Whether or not he was calling me to hit on me or as a friend, it didn’t matter. Everyone has that one night, where they really want to do something so they call quite a few people because everyone’s canceling. I also have those nights where I just want to hang out with a friend. But if you’re doing it every day, it only tells me you don’t like being alone with yourself. So, contacting me was equal to meaning nothing. Our relationship as being “friends” held no substance what so ever.

I was polite but soon started declining every opportunity he asked to hang out because I honestly did have better things to do. Either hanging out with friends who took out the time from their busy schedule like me to spend time together or to literally stay in bed to be lazy.

Thos girls were similar to that boy in that even though they didn’t hate being alone, they loved the concept of “doing something.” Doing anything even if it held no substance to it made it feel like they were doing something with their life. A pattern I’ve been seeing a lot in quite a few people.

What sealed the deal to my discontent towards these girls was when they blamed others when they didn’t feel like doing anything or loved making others make the plan and ride along with the bandwagon. There’s nothing wrong with preferring last minute plans, but making someone making the plans for you, constantly flaking on them, saying you want to go again, then flaking again, and then weeks later using that same person as a time filler really says a lot.

I cared about them because I held value to my words, time, and efforts to invest in them, knowing you have to do it first before someone can consider to do it back. So I’m hurt because the people who don’t even understand the concept of valuing such things in their life, think it’s okay. And it’s not. Because such things aren’t subjective from person to person. Each person’s time matters. And wasting it is not just disrespectful…it lacks basic etiquette.

If you don’t hold your own time valuable, at least hold someone else’s time valuable. They have better things to do just like you do.